Hobbit Reviews Songs Written AboutLord of the Rings
Reviewer: Tobo “Toe” Bramblebuck, Shire-based music critic and reluctant cousin of Merry.
1. Led Zeppelin – “Ramble On”
“I’ve rambled. You’ve rambled. We all rambled. But you didn’t have to name-drop Mordor like it’s a weekend getaway. And what is this ‘girl so fair’ nonsense? If you’re going to reference the Dark Lord, commit to the bit. Also, unclear if the ‘evil one’ is Sauron or your ex. Pick a struggle.”
Rating: 2 out of 5 pipe-weeds
2. Howard Shore’s Entire Score
“Finally, some respect. If I hear one more ‘epic fantasy trap remix’ of ‘The Shire Theme’ I will personally bite a wizard. Shore understands motifs, longing, and the emotional weight of elevensies. Everyone else is just blowing horn solos like they’re at Helm’s Deep’s Got Talent.”
Rating: 5 out of 5 lembas crumbs
3. Leonard Nimoy – “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins”
“This was either an act of cultural celebration or elvish sabotage. Bilbo is rolling in his mithril-lined grave. I had to leave the room. So did the goats.”
Rating: 1 out of 5 riddles in the dark
4. Enya – “May It Be”
“A song so ethereal it feels like you’re floating in Galadriel’s bathwater. If Enya isn’t an elf, I’ll eat my own hairy feet. Pairs well with stargazing, soft crying, and remembering the taste of strawberries.”
Rating: 4.5 out of 5 tear-stained maps
5. Blind Guardian – “The Bard’s Song” / entire Nightfall in Middle-Earth album
“At least someone read the Silmarillion. I can’t tell if they’re singing or casting spells, but I respect the commitment. Metal for people who bring a thesaurus to battle.”
Rating: 4 out of 5 battle-hardened lutes
