Songs That Slap (While You Slap): Ranking the Best and Worst Tracks to Bone To

The Official SpinFork™ Guide to Musical Coitus

Because nothing ruins a vibe faster than climaxing to Coldplay.

Let’s be honest—music during sex is a minefield. One minute you’re vibing to D’Angelo, the next you’re both laughing because the playlist shuffled to Smash Mouth. According to a study that definitely wasn’t conducted in a candlelit dorm room, 75% of people think music improves sex. The other 25% are still recovering from being accidentally penetrated during a dramatic Hans Zimmer score drop.

So we did what SpinFork does best: overthink it.
We asked our editorial staff, an actual sex therapist, and three people who definitely just wanted to talk about how much sex they have, and compiled the definitive** list of songs that do and do not go with physical intimacy.

Top 5 Songs That Should Never Be Played During Sex:

  1. “Cotton Eye Joe” – Rednex
    Guaranteed to summon at least one ancestor and an uninvited line dance.
  2. “Sandstorm” – Darude
    Makes thrusting feel like a military drill. Or a seizure.
  3. “My Humps” – Black Eyed Peas
    Somewhere between confusing and litigious.
  4. “Tubthumping” – Chumbawamba
    “I get knocked down…” is not the kind of stamina encouragement you want.
  5. Anything by Radiohead
    Your genitals will feel alienated and distant.

Surprisingly Good Songs for Sensual Times:

  1. “Wicked Game” – Chris Isaak
    Ethereal. Melancholic. Like ghost sex but in a good way.
  2. “Earned It” – The Weeknd
    The right balance of shame and swagger.
  3. “Let’s Get It On” – Marvin Gaye
    The cliché works. Because it’s Marvin. And you’re trying. Bless you.
  4. “Do I Wanna Know?” – Arctic Monkeys
    For when your sex has a leather jacket and a nicotine problem.
  5. “Breathe Me” – Sia
    Good for emotionally spiraling mid-thrust. We don’t judge.

Bonus Category:

Songs That Only Work If You’re in a Long-Term Relationship and Have Given Up

  • “Closing Time” – Semisonic
  • “Life Is a Highway” – Rascal Flatts
  • “This Is Me Trying” – Taylor Swift

Short Songs for Men Who Finish Quickly

It’s not about duration. It’s about musical timing. Probably.

We at SpinFork™ understand that not every symphony lasts an hour. Sometimes, your entire performance wraps before the intro riff ends. That’s why we’ve compiled a tightly curated list of tracks for the prematurely triumphant.

The Lightning Round Playlist:

  1. “Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High?” – Arctic Monkeys (2:41)
    Just enough time to make a mistake, apologize for it, and order DoorDash.
  2. “Fell in Love with a Girl” – The White Stripes (1:50)
    Blink and it’s over. Much like your last three relationships.
  3. “Song 2” – Blur (2:02)
    Woo-hoo! indeed. No further notes.
  4. “Her Majesty” – The Beatles (0:23)
    Barely a song. Basically a whisper and a bow. Perfect metaphor.
  5. “Please Let Me Get What I Want” – The Smiths (1:50)
    You didn’t. But it’s nice to feel seen.
  6. “Kiss” – Prince (Short Radio Edit) (2:15)
    Because even Prince had quickies.
  7. “Blitzkrieg Bop” – Ramones (2:12)
    It’s fast, loud, and confusing. Like high school.
  8. “Straight to Hell” – The Clash (3:50 if you’re optimistic, but the first 45 seconds work just fine.)

Optional Add-On:

Clean Up Song” – Barney the Dinosaur (1:26)
Because sometimes, shame comes in a jingle.

“The human body is 70% water, but during sex with the wrong playlist, it’s 100% cringe.” — Dr. Rick Sizzler, SpinFork’s Senior Vice President of Rhythmic Integrity™

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