Ozzy’s Batudquailken: A Recipe for Chaos

SpinFork Exclusive Feature

The Prince of Darkness speaks exclusively to SpinFork™ about birds, baste rituals, and why flavor is an illusion.

“It’s not about the meat. It’s about the memory. You bite it, and suddenly it’s 1982, your ears are bleeding, and there’s a bat wing in your mouth. That’s cuisine.”
— Ozzy Osbourne, yelling into a toaster we mistook for a mic

The Interview: Blood, Birds, and Baked Delirium

We caught up with Ozzy Osbourne in what appeared to be his kitchen but may have been a ritual chamber disguised as an open-concept dining space. He was mid-simmer, draped in a butcher’s apron that said “Kiss the Bat” and stirring what looked like guilt.

SpinFork: Where did the idea for Batudquailken come from?
Ozzy: “Well, I bit the bat, yeah? Then years later, I thought, what if I just ate around it instead. Dove went in ‘cause it’s biblical or somethin’, and the quail… Sharon said it makes it classy.”

SpinFork: How long does it cook?
Ozzy: “Until it screams.”

SpinFork: What’s the secret ingredient?
Ozzy: (leans in) “Noise.”

Ingredients:

• 1 whole bat (ethically sourced, spiritually questionable)
• 1 dove (preferably symbolic)
• 1 quail (because even Ozzy likes something fancy now and then)
• 3 oz. of blood (doesn’t matter whose)
• Black garlic, absinthe, regret
• Crushed guitar picks
• A whisper of Sharon yelling in the background

Instructions:

1. Summon each bird under a waning moon. You may substitute “summon” with “thaw from Whole Foods freezer section” if under time constraints.
2. Stuff the dove into the bat, then the quail into the dove. This is more about dominance than flavor.
3. Rub the unholy trio with black garlic, scream into the cavity, and drizzle with absinthe.
4. Bake at 666°F until the kitchen fills with the sound of distant Sabbath riffs and light smoke.
5. Garnish with crushed guitar picks and a single feather soaked in mystery.

Ozzy’s Baste Mix (Do Not Ingest Raw):

• 1 part absinthe
• 2 parts bourbon
• A single tear of a roadie who once saw God backstage at Ozzfest
• “Dust” scraped from a vinyl pressing of Paranoid

Brush over meat every 13 minutes while reciting lyrics backwards.

Serving Suggestion:
Best served with a chalice of something red and a side of “I probably shouldn’t eat this.”

Final Notes:

Ozzy didn’t invent the turducken. He transcended it.
The Batudquailken isn’t a dish—it’s a rite of passage.
You don’t eat it. It accepts you.

SpinFork Rating: 8.6 / 10
Points deducted for blood cleanup. Bonus points for flavor profile described as “haunted jerky.”