“We meant to summon 1974 Ozzy, but I think we got 2007 Ozzy with a sinus infection.”
In a move that no one asked for but everyone immediately accepted without question, Liquid Death has officially released a limited edition batch of water infused with Ozzy Osbourne’s actual DNA. Because apparently hydration isn’t extreme enough unless it carries the genetic potential for a comeback tour.
According to the brand, the DNA was extracted from a blood-stained shirt worn by Osbourne and somehow not immediately seized by a government agency or Satan himself.
“We just thought… what if water could mumble?” said Liquid Death’s Senior Director of Unnecessary Ideas.
Let’s be clear: this is not a clone. It’s not even a clone kit. It’s “collectible water,” which means it’s $10 more expensive than normal water and now legally an NFT if you squint hard enough.
Still, the implications are… wet.
Scientists we made up for this article say there’s a 43% chance that consuming enough of these cans could lead to partial vocal mimicry, occasional leather vest cravings, and the ability to fall asleep in public while standing upright.
“We were hoping for ‘Paranoid’-era Ozzy,” one Liquid Death technician confessed under duress. “But the DNA’s been through a lot. So far we’ve seen behaviors more consistent with The Osbournes reality show version, possibly post-sinus surgery.”
Clone #2, currently named “Lil Ozzy,” has already wandered off and formed a Black Sabbath tribute band with two raccoons and an air fryer.
Is this science? Art? Marketing gone too far?
Yes.
We rate this launch 5/5 Reanimated Bat Corpses for ambition, danger, and spiritual confusion.
