“It’s here. It’s rhythmic. And it’s… moist.”
CHICAGO (Spinfork Newsflash)— Chaos is unfolding downtown as a large, sentient sludge creature believed to have originated from the infamous 2004 Dave Matthews Band sewage incident has risen from the Chicago River—and immediately begun scatting.
The creature, identified only as The Matthews Muck, is currently sliding its way up Michigan Avenue, releasing wet jazz syllables at deafening volume and terrifying both pedestrians and pigeons alike.
“Scoodle-bap-HAAAAA! Doodle-nuh-FRAAAAMP!” it screamed, coating a passing Divvy bike in funk and shame.
Spinfork can confirm: The Dave Matthews Band is currently en route to Chicago via emergency railcar converted into a mobile jam station.
Their manager issued a brief statement:
“They know what they must do. We only pray they remember the bridge to ‘Crash Into Me.’”
The band is expected to arrive within the hour. A portable stage is being erected near Millennium Park. Police have cordoned off the area as “a Zone of Improvised Threat.”
Avoid the Loop.
Remain indoors.
Do not attempt to scat back—it only makes it stronger.
Stay tuned to Spinfork for real-time updates, including:
This is a developing story.
The funk is real.
