by SpinFork Staff | Loud, Wrong & Still Headbanging
In what fans are calling “a decision that reeks of ancient wizard beef,” a previously announced opener for Ozzy Osbourne’s absolutely final farewell show (for real this time) has vanished from the lineup without explanation, apology, or trace of legal paper trail.
The band’s name was quietly scrubbed from promotional materials late Wednesday night—replaced by a QR code that just links to an auto-playing video of Sharon Osbourne blinking slowly.
We tracked down every flyer, tour manager, and half-sober sound tech we could find to answer the question: What band was mysteriously dropped from Ozzy’s final show?
An experimental doom-folk ensemble from the Ozarks that insists their music is “felt, not heard.” Their press photos are just blurry scans of Tarot cards, and no one has ever confirmed seeing them in person. Still, they were listed on a leaked tour rider next to the phrase “NO OAT MILK NEAR OZZY.”
A Slovenian speed-core trio known for their controversial Eucharist stunt at HellFest. Their entire EP is one 13-minute track of Gregorian chants layered over chainsaw solos. Sharon Osbourne reportedly called their set “emotionally unclean.”
Allegedly a side project of three ex-members of Black Sabbath’s former merch team. Phlegmathon describes their genre as “sludge ambient” and once opened a Tool concert from the parking lot. Their inclusion on the bill was always suspiciously marked with an asterisk.
A mysterious collective that only appears on lineups when Mercury is in retrograde. Their performance contract is written in wingdings, and their tour bus is rumored to be a modified Roomba.
Just Tony. No last name. No band. Just a guy from Phoenix with a bass guitar and the audacity to submit a press kit written in Comic Sans. His only quote: “Ozzy owes me.”
When asked for comment, Ozzy responded, “Wot?” before chewing thoughtfully on a guitar pick and vanishing into a fog machine.
SpinFork’s Official Theory:
We believe the missing band never existed. Or perhaps… they still do. Just in a different dimension. One where Ozzy never bit that bat, and Sharon runs a ska label.
